Growing Minds

Walking the Walk

Kyle Robbins — Sun, 17 Mar 2019 18:56:50 +0000

For years I’ve sung the praises of our program because I’ve seen it work over and over and over. It’s not magic, but it HAS given relief to a lot of families in the greater Reading area.

Well, it’s my turn to put my money where my mouth is. This summer, my 11-year-old son, Owen, will be joining the ranks of students at Beyond Tutoring!

Owen is a great kid. He’s a typical Type-A, first-born, rule-follower who doesn’t want to rock the boat. He gets decent grades without a whole lot of effort.

But…this upcoming school year is the start of middle school for Owen. When a student doesn’t have to put in a lot of effort in grade school, they often flounder in middle school. I’ve seen it happen over and over in my experience, and I don’t want my child to go through it.

Here are the things that I am hoping and praying Owen gets out of his his time at Beyond Tutoring this summer:

Higher tolerance for frustration and difficult work. Right now, any time that Owen has to really put effort into studying, he melts down. He HATES the feeling of working really hard at school, and he avoids it at all costs. Lucky for him, he doesn’t have to feel this feeling very often right now, but I know that’s all about to change. Middle school and high school are very different from elementary school! Our program is designed to start students where they’re comfortable and coach them to a place of difficulty. We exercise the muscle of frustration, so-to-speak, and the results are a child who is willing to work hard until he succeeds. I look forward to Owen getting to this place!
Improved learning skills related to math. Owen is a fantastic reader and writer, but he HATES math. Hates. It. So. Much. Our program develops skills like processing speed, reasoning, and visualization, which are all related to math success. If we can do anything to make math easier for this kid, I will be a very happy mom!
Develop executive functioning skills. Because I know how great our executive functioning program is, I cannot wait for Owen to experience it! I want him to get into the habit of keeping a planner, being responsible for his schedule, writing things down, crossing them off, etc. Because we’re doing the program over the summer, this is going to be a challenge. However, I’ve already come up with some daily chores, schedule, books to read, and extra things he can make sure to keep track of every day. That’s right, I’m going to make my kiddo keep a planner this SUMMER to prepare him for the upcoming school year. Wish me luck.

I am excited to experience Beyond Tutoring as a consumer – as someone who has to drive their child in 4 days a week and pay a monthly fee and all the things. I hope I learn a lot of how to make the process even better and smoother for our families. And I can’t wait to see the progress that my own child makes in this program! Stay tuned.

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The F Word

Kyle Robbins — Mon, 11 Mar 2019 13:44:46 +0000

Let’s talk a little about a 4-letter “f” word none of us like to hear…FAIL.

Something we encounter all the time at Growing Minds is our students’ hesitancy to push themselves because they are afraid to get it wrong. Or their quickly becoming frustrated when a task we ask them to complete is too difficult to do perfectly.

When we get the sense from the deep sighs, downcast eyes, and slumped shoulders that our students are feeling that big F-word, we have to stop and talk with them about this a bit.

Failure in and of itself is not bad. In fact, it’s incredibly necessary. Most of the best growth comes as a result of failure or flailing through something that isn’t second nature. If we have to work for it, that’s a good thing.

Many of our students have experienced failure so regularly and in such a negative way, that they have very strong adverse reactions to any similar experience. To them, failure means, “you’re stupid, you’re lazy, you aren’t trying hard enough, and you’ll never get it.” (Here we pause for a quick detour to the blog I wrote on the labels our kids often wear and how we can work to dismantle those.)

We need to help our kiddos differentiate between “I’m a failure” and “I’m still learning.” We need to shift from the product to the process. If you worked hard, asked for all the help that was available to you, checked and double-checked your work, basically did everything within your power to succeed, you are not a failure. You are a HARD WORKER. You are in the process. We may not see the fruit of this labor for a while but if you are doing your part, this is the best case scenario. A grade is temporary. The work ethic we develop in the struggle is long-lasting.

Sometimes our kiddos are afraid of failure because they have never experienced how it can be positive. As parents, we might want to shield our children from the sting of hard learning. We have to find the balance between “bubble boy” and “the school of hard knocks.” We can’t shelter our children so much that they never develop the resiliency that pushing through failure and recognizing its usefulness can bring. We also can’t push them so hard to learn everything the hard way that all they ever experience is failure after failure without ever seeing any fruit from their labor.

The family unit should be the equivalent of a relational science lab. It’s the place where we experiment and experience success and failure with people who can’t kick us to the curb (no matter how much they might want to) when we are learning new skills or showing our worst self. We have this protected environment to work out how to beat interact with others and learn what responsibilities we need to carry in relationships so that when we enter the world outside our family, we have all the tools we need to be successful. We know that teachers, bosses, friends, and significant others don’t have to give us the grace that our family often does and usually won’t tolerate hard learning experiences to the same extent that parents and siblings will, thus the need to prepare our children as much as possible for the “real world” within the safety of our home. If you’re not sure about helping your children shift from a wholly sheltered experience, consider the blog post on responsibility I shared recently.

How can we reframe failure from something we avoid because it hurts to something we embrace because it’s useful?

It’s with our words, of course.

-We praise the effort. “You tried really hard. It doesn’t feel good when things don’t go your way, but I’m proud of you for trying your hardest. You are brave to keep trying even when it feels like it’s too difficult.”

-We offer positive reframing. “You are not a failure. You are learning. This is hard because it’s something new. If it wasn’t hard, it would be a sign you’re ready for something that does challenge you instead.”

-We make sure the failure isn’t wasted. “What outcome did you hope for? What do you think you learned from this experience? Is there anything that would have helped you have a different outcome?”

-We offer opportunities for failure at home where they know they are loved and valued as people despite how they behave and we have the opportunity to problem solve together. “Sorry you slept through your alarm and won’t be able to shower today. How can you set yourself up for success tomorrow? Sorry you dyed all your clothes pink when you left a red shirt in the load of whites. How can I support you in making sure you have everything you need to get laundry done correctly next time?“

-We share our failures. Being vulnerable with our kids is SO powerful! If we can be open and talk through times we fail (in the present, not lecturing about things we learned in our teenage years), our children will respect us and know we’re all on the same team. Parents are not all-knowing instructors who have perfected every skill and therefore are immune to the sting of failure. Our children will appreciate how we help them with their failures if we show them that we are still working through some of our own.

One aspect that I think is essential for learning from failure is that WE DON’T BAIL OUR KIDS OUT. We let them feel the pain of a choice or an experience that is not world ending and help them work through making it better themselves. If they bombed a test or forgot a project, they are capable of coordinating with their teacher on how to handle this. We DO NOT email the teacher on their behalf or stay up all night working with them on the project/doing it for them. If they forgot to make their lunch the night before, they go hungry or figure out how to get something they can eat that day. We DO NOT rush up to the school in the middle of our day, dropping all our own responsibilities to rescue them. Missing one lunch will not result in their death. Failing one test or project will not result in their inability to go to college or obtain gainful employment. This is a useful learning experience. The skills they develop from these growth opportunities will ultimately set them up for success in the future, rather than setting you up for repeated times of needing to rescue them from their own responsibility self-sabotage.

Failure doesn’t speak at all to our children’s character. What they do is not who they are. We have the power to help them embrace the times they face plant and to give them to tools to get up, assess what they learned and what needs to happen to shift their trajectory the next time, and to be brave enough to try again knowing that their success is coming if they keep pushing.

With our students, we also remind them about their successes. When we have pushed and pushed and set them up to fail so their brains really have to work hard to develop the new skills they need to be successful, we praise them. “You pushed through! I’m so proud of you! You are AMAZING!” And we remind them of where they came from. ”Remember how hard this was? You made that look so easy just now! You are making amazing progress with this hard work. Now, let’s get back to failing some more…”

Hi, I’m Emily! I’m a Midwest girl turned East-Coaster when my family relocated from Norman, Oklahoma, to the Reading area in August 2018. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Oklahoma, a mom of a hilarious and strong-willed toddler girl, and wife of a band director. I love working with kids and families to overcome obstacles, build new skills, and find ways to reach their potential. I’m so excited to be able to continue this work at Growing Minds and I can’t wait to serve the families of the greater Reading area!

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Learned Helplessness

Kyle Robbins — Mon, 11 Feb 2019 21:53:56 +0000

I think we can all agree that parenting is hard. This is a statement which is both a massive understatement and a huge oversimplification of something that is complex and challenging in 1,000 different ways.

One tricky parenting balancing act is allowing your child to learn while setting them up for success and keeping them safe. Too much responsibility too soon can lead to frustration and can be dangerous depending on the skill concerned. On the other hand, if we help or shelter too much, we prevent our children from developing the skills they need to be successfully independent and run the risk of creating an experience that we like to call “learned helplessness.”

We may find ourselves raising a child who believes or behaves from a place of helplessness for several reasons:

Parenting is hard and kids take a long time to do things. Sometimes we may create a pattern of doing things our children are capable of doing for themselves simply because it’s faster and easier to do it for them.
A child with a legitimate set of difficulties or diagnosis may not be capable of doing things that would typically be expected at their chronological age if they are delayed developmentally. It can be very difficult as a parent to figure out what is fair and reasonable to ask of them or what is setting them up for failure. This is sometimes changing on a daily or even hourly basis depending on any number of factors, which is an added layer of challenge.
The last, which is definitely an experience I struggle with in parenting, is the feeling of wanting to protect your child’s feelings and prevent the sting of failure (and sometimes prevent my own pain in watching my child struggle.)

Regardless of what brought you to the struggle of learned helplessness, here are some practical steps to think through and implement within your family as you move everyone forward:

The family unit is a place where it should be safe and expected that a child learn new skills, and learning new skills usually involves a learning curve. We cannot cushion our children from failure because the world outside our home will not be as kind or offer our children as much grace for the things they don’t know. Failure while we are still there to catch them and guide them leads to success and resiliency as they build skills on their own when they are entirely independent.
When considering responsibilities for your child, ask yourself “Is this something they are developmentally capable of accomplishing themselves (or with minimal guidance/supervision)?
- If no, what skills can you build now to help them get to the level you want to reach that would be developmentally appropriate? Consider how to break the task down further into more manageable pieces.
- If yes, what’s holding you back from having them take over this area of responsibility?
When your child is learning a new skill, keep in mind that there should be a cushion for failure/perfecting the skill over time. As your child learns to cook, there will probably be a lot of dishes dirtied (which is a skill they have already mastered—loading and unloading the dishwasher!) Your kitchen may look a total mess for a while, but this is part of the process. As your child learns to do laundry, things may be shrunk, wrinkled, and possibly even discolored after their first time with a solo wash. Be thoughtful about what skill you want to teach and structure the learning process to set both you and your child up for success.
Ask yourself these questions: Do you have enough time to teach this skill? Are you both well fed? (Blood sugar matters…hanger is a real thing and the brain needs good nutrition to learn something new!) Are you both well rested? Take care of the bodily basics first before you try to tackle something new together!
If teaching a new skill isn’t going well, take a break and try again later!

Especially with older children (and extra especially if you all have been living in the pattern of learned helplessness for a long time) expect some push back from your child. Learning new things is hard and having someone else do things for you is always way easier and more comfortable than doing it yourself. It can be helpful to have a conversation with your child about why your expectations are changing and even have their opinion on what they want to learn first. They may not be thrilled to have more responsibility, but if they do happen to have some buy-in, that can certainly make things easier!

Lastly, PICK. YOUR. BATTLES. Once a skill is in the hands of your child, try to really let them own it. It’s easy to slip back into the pattern of learned helplessness if your child feels that they will be constantly micro-managed or critiqued. Sometimes they may need some guidance as they are continuing to practice their new skill, but as long as they have the basics, them being responsible for themselves is truly the end goal not that they do everything to their parents’ standard of perfection.

Skill-building is a dance and the family is a team. Some days are better than others. Your children may surprise you with how capable they are of doing things for themselves. The next you may question whether or not they have ever heard a word of wisdom you’ve spoken to them. Since we are a team, we give each other grace and we help each other out. We keep our expectations flexible based on what’s going on at the time. If your child is in the midst of finals, they may still have the skills to do their own laundry, but might not feel as capable of balancing this task with their other responsibilities. You may, in kindness, choose to take some responsibility off their load for a short time to help them focus on their most important tasks. We ultimately want the rhythm of responsibility within our family to match the pace we have in other areas of our family life, again keeping in mind that our children will eventually be completely on their own with no safety net and that we should offer them some cushion to fall against when things get difficult so that they can learn to find balance on their own without everything feeling overwhelming or falling apart!

As a quick example, I once knew a woman who told me about a time she was working on building personal responsibility with her son who had become accustomed to having her do things for him that he was capable of doing himself. Although he knew the expectation was that he make his own lunch before bed so he didn’t feel rushed in the morning before school, he didn’t and one morning in a panic said to her, “Mom! I have no lunch and my ride is already here!” Rather than swoop in and rescue him from a situation of his own making, she simply said to him, “I’m sorry that’s a problem for you, but that’s not going to be a problem for me.” He realized he had several choices: try to quickly throw together his own lunch, pay some of his own money for an overpriced but unappetizing lunch at school, or go hungry. She recalled that it was amazing how swiftly he assembled enough edible items in the house to make a meal! Was the lunch as nutritious and well-balanced as she would have preferred and prepared? No, but the lesson was more important—lunch is something he should be responsible for and he’s capable of solving his own problems since he already had all the tools he needed to do so.

I suspect we would all be surprised at what our children are capable of if we begin to expect more of them!

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“I suck at school” And Other Labels Our Children Wear

Kyle Robbins — Mon, 28 Jan 2019 18:08:11 +0000

Hi, my name is Emily, and sometimes I say unkind things to my child.

This is not something I’m proud of, but just a truth of parenting that occasionally my emotions get the best of me and I sometimes say things I regret. It is often most apparent to me that I have done this when I hear my child talking later about herself. After all, my child is only 3, so she didn’t come up with “I’m really crabby right now” on her own.

Labels can be tricky as a parent. It is our job as parents to help our children understand themselves and their world by giving some context. So when my child is showing her worst side, labeling for her “you’re feeling really upset right now” is providing her with some useful information that is a building block to her eventually being able to recognize her own emotions and (hopefully) be able to express them appropriately.

The downside of labels is that if we aren’t thoughtful with the words we use, they can be very limiting and sometimes even harmful to our children. After all, there is a big difference in how it feels to have someone say “you’re feeling upset right now,” which is supportive and informative, and “you’re such a Crabby Patty,” which isn’t very helpful and might even feel somewhat shaming.

It’s useful to think about how we talk to our children because eventually they will spend more time with people outside of our homes than with the family unit. We want them to have a stockpile of healthy, helpful labels to wear as they begin to navigate the world more independently. These labels can really act as a cushion for the gauntlet of peer interactions that is grades kindergarten through 12th (and beyond if we’re really being honest!).

So let’s break this down into two parts:

How to be more aware of labels you give your child and
How to help them with the labels others might give them

Part 1: When we think about the ways we talk to our children about themselves, it’s helpful to try to differentiate the things that are enduring versus the things that are temporary. My child sometimes ACTS like a terrible, tiny dictator (as all toddlers do) but that doesn’t necessarily mean that’s who she IS.

I want to ensure that the labels I give her follow this same line of thinking. “You’re feeling very mad right now,” is a temporary thing, versus “You are precious, kind, and creative” are enduring qualities that I believe do speak to her true character. A temporary experience means there’s a solution, and likely she has some power and control to improve her situation. An enduring quality typically feels impossible to change and can leave a person feeling helpless to make any impact on his or her situation.

It does not feel good as a parent to hear your child say something negative about him or herself and realize that they heard it first from you. Sometimes, it’s not something you have even said about them but something you’ve said about YOURSELF (which I have discussed previously. You can read about it HERE). Regardless, relationships are fluid and I truly believe that there is always hope for things to be better if we try to do better.

If you take time to reflect and realize that you have consistently provided your child with limiting, negative labels, just own it. Be vulnerable with your child and say, “Sometimes I use my words in a way that is not helpful and I think I’ve told you ______ about yourself. I want to tell you some other things I know are true about you.” If it’s too hard (or too weird, especially if you’re doing this with a teen!) to have a conversation face-to-face, write it in a letter. Get the words that truly speak to how you feel about them as their parent across to them in whatever way necessary! This can really be powerful in a parent/child relationship.

If you’re not sure what labels your child might be wearing, look for areas of success and struggle to find positive and negative labels. Where does your child shine? Where does your child resist most? Likely there are some labels attached to these experiences.

Have a conversation with your child about what they feel are their strengths and weaknesses and what motivates them. We can sometimes discover the labels they wear, and may even realize that some labels that seem positive can actually be a hindrance in the long-run. For example, a child may be very focused on being high-achieving or people pleasing which often leads to success externally but can create relational challenges when it comes to frustration tolerance or self-motivation.

Part 2: Addressing labels that come from other people can be a bit more complicated. Peer input can be a bit brutal. I’ll never forget in 3rd grade when the boys decided to think of the meanest spin on everyone’s first name they could come up with. Luckily, the only thing they could come up with for “Emily” was “Enemy,” which basically everyone agreed was dumb and a stretch anyway and no one actually called me that. Some other kids weren’t as lucky!

Sometimes labels even come from teachers or other important adults in your child’s life like coaches and youth group leaders. It can be helpful to teach our children some evaluation skills to filter the words they hear from others:

-Does this person know me well?

-Does this person’s opinion really matter?

-Is there someone else who knows me better that I should be listening to instead?

-Is there any truth to what they are saying?

-How does their assessment of me measure up to the enduring traits I feel confident I possess?

Thinking through these questions together can help remove some of the sting of the evaluation of others that may not be constructive or healthy and prevent our children from carrying labels that hold them back from reaching their potential outside of our homes. We can’t shelter our kiddos from very hurtful thing they will hear, but we can work together as a team to help them figure out what to do with whatever they may hear about themselves, positive or negative!

One of the reasons that I love working at Growing Minds is that I get to help remove and reshape our students’ negative labels about themselves when it comes to school and academics. We have some young first-grade students who are just starting out on their academic journey…hardly with any negative labels. But often our teenage students come in with so many negative school-related labels written all over them…they’re almost visible. Whether a student goes to Wilson High School, Conrad Weiser East, or Sacred Heart, they all react to struggling in school with very much the same posture: accept the negative labels. It’s our job as trainers to help them see themselves differently, and it’s one of the best parts of my job!

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Pain With A Purpose (How Knee Surgery Relates to Growing Minds)

Kyle Robbins — Thu, 03 Jan 2019 00:32:51 +0000

One of the hardest things about being a parent is watching your child experience pain. I believe we mothers are hard-wired to protect our kids from pain and suffering, and when we can’t, it kills us.

My 8-year-old son, Charlie, had knee surgery a few weeks ago at The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia due to a congenital defect in his meniscus. I expected the surgery to be easy peasy…I mean, it’s just a torn meniscus, right? Not so much. He ended up being under anesthesia for 7 hours and the surgeon actively operated for 5 hours. 5 hours on a meniscus!

Needless to say, the last 2 weeks have been filled with my husband and I taking care of Charlie around the clock and doing our very best to keep him comfortable. We’ve also had to unlock his robo-cast (as in, my child’s leg looks like a robot!) and bend his knee several times a day. This is good for him. It increases his range of motion and will allow for full and complete healing.

But it hurts him. A lot.

Everything in me wants to avoid these knee-bending exercises. I don’t want to make my child cry. It turns my stomach just thinking of it right now. I am wired to protect Charlie from pain, not cause him pain! But the doctor was very clear: in the long run, the pain is worth it. If we don’t unlock his robo-cast and bend his knee now, it will cause major deficits in the future…it will cause much more pain down the road.

And so we put on Eye of the Tiger, remind Charlie that Carson Wentz also had to endure knee surgery (Go Eagles), and we bend that knee. Over and over.

As I think about our students at Growing Minds, I know that so much of our work with them causes them discomfort. It’s hard to go to school all day and then come to BT and exercise their brain. It’s hard to work on the things that they’re deficient in (like memory, reading, and attention). It’s hard to miss out on things like playing with friends after school or sleeping in on a Saturday. It’s hard to commit so much time to a program that makes life harder in the short-term, while staying focused on the long-term benefits.

So I just want to encourage you, mama. I know what it’s like to see your child uncomfortable, but I also know that allowing the short-term pain for the long-term growth is so important. I’m with you!

We promise to take good care of your child while he/she is in the office with us. We are constantly speaking life and truth to them: The pain is worth it. The discomfort is worth it. You can do this. There is an end in sight. This will not last forever. You have what it takes. Keep going, you’ll be happy you did!

I’ve been at this life-changing process with students at Growing Minds in Reading, PA for almost 10 years, so I know that the discomfort our students feel for the 6-ish months they’re with us is worth it when it comes to improving reading, learning, and attention skills! I’ve seen it improve our students’ lives over and over and over and over.

But, I’ve only been at this knee-rehab thing for about 2 weeks. I have my doubts that my son will ever get better. But when my hope is faltering, I remember that pain is a part of the process. His pain has a purpose. Discomfort often leads to growth and change. Protecting Charlie from ALL pain would actually be detrimental to him.

The easiest way isn’t always the best way. You and I know that well, don’t we?

Not on our free resources list? WHY THE HECK NOT? Click HERE and join the hundreds of other moms (and a handful of dads) who want hints, tips, and tricks for their struggling students!

Hi I’m Kristen and I’m the Founder & Owner of Growing Minds right outside of Reading, PA. I am the wife of a really kind and patient man and the mom of 3 very loud and rambunctious school-age boys. I consider myself to be multi-passionate: I love helping people, building businesses, and singing in church… not to mention a strong cup of Starbucks in the morning and a great glass of red wine in the evening. At Growing Minds I get to help people reach their true potential and it is one of the most exciting aspects of my life!

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Your WORDS Matter, Mama

Kyle Robbins — Wed, 28 Nov 2018 13:40:40 +0000

There is a LOT of learning that goes on in the toddler years, and not all of it is learning on the part of the child. I know, because my daughter is nearly 3-going-on-13, and while I am doing a lot of teaching, I also learn something new from her nearly every day, too.

Recently, we were playing together at the park and I caught her talking to herself as she tried something new. “I can do it, I can do it, I can do it,” she muttered quietly to herself as she struggled to climb up a piece of playground equipment that was entirely too big for her. Her determination and exuberant joy when she reached the top (“I DID IT!!!”) made me a bit reflective.

I realized how often I’m the one telling her that she can’t do it, or to stop; be careful, slow down. I’ve never wanted to hold her back…or have I? This one instance at the park was a defining moment – I stood back and marveled at her inner strength and resolve to undertake something that she was very clearly not suited for, and she was successful!

It made me wish that she would never have to grow up and have that fire dimmed. I know it’s coming, and I will remember to do my best not to squash her spirit. It also made me reflect on how I might be different if I still had the same fire, that same internal monologue of “I can do it, I can do it.”

As I’ve said previously, I know that a major piece of my parenting successfully is considering my own experiences, how they have shaped me, and what I can learn from that as I parent my child. This experience on the playground made me think about the times that I have let other voices sound more loudly in my head than my own, and how I have been influenced by them.

I can certainly think of times that the comments of peers significantly altered my view of myself (the junior high years, anyone?) Oftentimes, these experiences were negative. I’m not really sure who originated the phrase “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” but that person was clearly an idiot.

Words have tremendous power, to help or to harm. Many of the things I feel strongly that I don’t excel in, I can trace back to a hurtful comment from someone else.

Conversely, there have been times that others have used their words to encourage me and breathe life into me, which gave me strength and confidence. Most of the hard things I have done in life, the times I really grew as a person and rose to the challenge of something new and scary, was because someone believed in me more than I even believed in myself. Or even saw something in me and called my attention to that thing before I ever realized it was a strength or gifting I should further nurture.

I think we all have words or labels we carry with us that shape our view of ourselves and our interactions and relationships with others. Sometimes these words might be known to us, but oftentimes, if we have carried these since childhood, we don’t question the truth of these labels that we wear.

As a parent, I think it’s very important to be aware of these labels for several reasons:

-The way I think about and talk about myself impacts how I raise my child

-My child will have labels, some from me and many from others, that I may need to help them sort through

Here are 2 of my own labels:

I’m in my 30’s, but I still get crazy, harebrained ideas for inventions and I always text them immediately to my dad. Why? Because once upon a time (actually many, many times), he told me that I am creative and I have good ideas and will someday invent something wonderful. I still believe that.

I have also been told that I’m not a great storyteller. I get lost in insignificant details that are really boring and even when I see the light dim in the eyes of the person I’m talking to, I am powerless to get myself back on track. My husband calls this the “I found 5 dollars” phenomenon, because any story seems worth it if you end by saying you found money, and I have to employ that tactic A LOT.

I’m aware of both of these labels, and though they are a part of me, they don’t define me. Even positive labels can be limiting. If I’ve been told my whole life that I’m the smartest there ever was, I will probably feel very frustrated the first time something doesn’t come naturally to me academically or otherwise and may actually feel very defeated that I’m “so smart” but can’t figure this particular subject or problem out.

As a parent, it is helpful for us to figure out what words we have given weight to and continue to carry throughout our relationships, because what we say (even about ourselves) shapes the lives of our children. We can’t help them figure out what to do with all the words they will hear about themselves if we don’t know what to do with ours, or even what words we’re carrying as labels in the first place.

If you’re not sure if you are being held back by labels, or if you’re ready to take off the labels that aren’t serving you well, start here:

-Take some time to self-reflect. Consider areas where you feel you’d like to excel but are held back by your own belief that you’re not capable or are too afraid to try. What words stick out to you? What do you tell yourself about who you really are (your strengths, weaknesses, desires, motivations, etc.)?

Ask a trusted friend or family member what negative labels they think you are wearing and times they see you held back by beliefs that are untrue or inaccurate.

Consult a therapist. Friends and family are great referral resources or consider finding someone you feel comfortable with on PsychologyToday.com. Therapists are trained to recognize patterns and help individuals look more deeply within. A therapist can often help you identify the labels you’re carrying if you aren’t able to see them yourself, since they have an outside, unbiased perspective.

Once you begin to realize the way labels have shaped you, either positively or negatively, it’s possible to start taking ownership of who you truly are and who you want to be. It’s also possible to begin changing the way you use labels with others, especially your own children. Words are some of our most powerful tools as parents.

I hope this is the beginning of you speaking life over yourself and your children!

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Sorry This Is Late But…(Musings on ADHD)

Kyle Robbins — Tue, 20 Nov 2018 01:05:01 +0000

This wouldn’t be a post about ADHD written by a person with ADHD if it weren’t a little late, now would it?

October was ADHD Awareness Month, and I had intended to write this post weeks ago, but it got away from me. Which is a sweet way of saying that I procrastinated and did other things instead of writing it.

Having ADHD as an adult is a very interesting thing. I am a 37-year-old company owner and mother of 3. I am a wife, a musician, a friend, a daughter, and I love to discuss politics. And I have ADHD.

I was diagnosed twice, first at age 21 and then again at age 30. Both times the clinician said something similar, “Yes, you have ADHD. The medication I recommend for this disorder is…” And that was that.

Looking back, I’m pretty annoyed that neither of these medical professionals (one was a family doctor and the other was a psychiatrist) took the time to explain ADHD to me. There was no conversation about symptoms. I didn’t even get a pamphlet.

Because of this, I lived for so long thinking that ADHD was simply an inability to pay attention. I took medication, and yet I was still frustrated with my life. Why? Because I was still dealing with all of these issues:

Inability to prioritize and plan
Inability to use my time wisely
Inability to remain cool, calm, and collected when I am frustrated
Inability to start an overwhelming project
Inability to finish an overwhelming project
Inability to remember to do the stuff I really want to do
Inability to switch out of work mode and into mom mode
Inability to be consistent in the things I want to accomplish in life
Inability to keep a goal in mind for any length of time
Inability to do something that I think is pointless (like scrub the floors every week when I know they’re just going to get dirty again)
Inability to deal with the constant noise that my kids make
Inability to wait for my husband to finish his sentence before I speak

When I finally learned through education and research that each one of these obnoxious behaviors was a SYMPTOM of ADHD, my mind was blown!

So, I put together a resource for you, it’s the 10 Things I Wish My Doc Had Told Me When I Was Diagnosed With ADHD. If you’re parenting a child with ADHD (or if you yourself have it) I hope this is really helpful to you! Click Here for your free resource!

I have spent the last several years figuring out how to manage my ADHD successfully. This has taken a lot of research, learning, constant support systems, and trial and error. I am now super passionate about helping our ADHD students at Growing Minds (and their families) really understand what it means to have ADHD. It’s not just about attention. Attention deficit is actually only a small part of ADHD!

In our office in Reading, PA, we do what is called Executive Functioning Coaching. It’s a methodical way to help students understand their weaknesses as people with ADHD and put systems in place for themselves to become successful humans.

Dr. Russell Barkley (currently my favorite ADHD psychiatrist and educator) teaches that for people with ADHD, success is not going to happen on its own, there needs to be scaffolding around the person to constantly help them set and reach even small goals (like cleaning their room or doing their homework).

Want more information on ADHD? Visit this page to learn more about how we help kids, teens and adults with ADHD survive and thrive!

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It Starts With You

Kyle Robbins — Wed, 17 Oct 2018 14:37:02 +0000

You’ve probably heard “It takes a village to raise a child,” but the reality is that it takes a village to raise a parent, too.

The interesting thing about raising a child is that in order to adequately train someone, you personally need to have a good grasp of whatever you’re trying to teach.

This is really tough in parenting because the truth is none of us have a clue what we’re doing most of the time. Parenting is the ultimate on-the-job training experience.

We all want our children to achieve more than we have and become the best humans possible. We want to instill in them the values that will help them succeed. If I want my child to care about the world she lives in, I should teach her the importance of recycling, volunteering, and always showing kindness to others. If I want her to be a responsible, hard worker, I should give her the opportunity to do things on her own and praise the times she tries and fails and tries again. But I can’t teach her either of these things if I don’t show her how I care about the world I live in or show her that I’m not afraid to try new things, even when it’s hard.

This really does mean that most of parenting starts with our own work. That is, we the parents have some serious work to do before we can teach our kids how to be healthy humans. We need to surround ourselves with voices that will encourage us, challenge us, and speak life over us when parenting is draining us dry of emotions and energy.

Being the best parents (actually just people in general) that we can be for ourselves and for our children means we must be willing to be brutally honest with ourselves and explore some potentially touchy areas where personal growth may be needed. Being vulnerable is necessary and scary, especially being vulnerable with ou children!

The amazing part of this is that our own work is excellent training material for our children. It is powerful for them to hear that we know we aren’t perfect and that we are working on our areas of weakness.

The first time I had to apologize to my child for totally losing it on her, I felt ashamed and silly. However, the lesson I learned is this: I can (and should) take responsibility for my mistakes, and my child and I can work together as a team to move forward. That’s worth any momentary discomfort.

I’m grateful to have friends and family, as well as a supportive and loving spouse, who call me on my ‘ish’ sometimes. It never feels good, but I know that I am not always right and that hearing the thoughts and opinions of others who love me and want the best for me (and my child) only benefits both of us. Most of the time, this feedback is gentle, but sometimes it has to be tough love because I have an extremely stubborn spirit.

Can you relate?

Ultimately, I know that if I am working on making myself better, this benefits every single part of my life, but especially the part that is the hardest for me: being a parent. Here are some things to consider as you start the process becoming your best self:

Find people who will be truthful, but loving, with you on your shortcomings and will celebrate the things you do well. This might be family, friends, or a therapist (or all 3!)
- Don’t have a group of supportive mom friends? Your local library offers lots of free family events that are great opportunities to meet new people! If your children are school-aged, get involved! The PTA or HSA or joining up with the moms in your child’s class can help you feel connected to what your child is doing AND have a group of moms you can turn to for everything from homework help to support with the daily parent grind.
- If you are ready to get an outside view on the things that are hard for you, Psychology Today is a great place to start your search. You can find therapists in your area, read a short bio, and find out their availability and whether or not they accept your insurance. Getting a referral from a trusted friend or family member who loves their therapist is also a great option!
Start considering the areas where you feel most inept as a person or parent. Take it slow and be gentle with yourself. A journal is often helpful to spark this process.
- Ask yourself questions like: what really pushes my buttons with my child, partner, or friends? Where do I find myself consistently struggling in relationships? If I could wave a wand and magically improve any area of my life, what would that be and what is preventing me from being able to make improvements on my own?
Own your hard moments with your child and ask to try it again. (“I made a mistake when I raised my voice to you when I was angry. Can I try that again with kind and respectful words instead?”) Your kids will give you more grace than you expect and will love that you shared this part of yourself with them.

Parenting is a beautiful, terrible, challenging, rewarding, confusing, gratifying mess every single second of every day. The most important lessons we teach our children don’t get recorded in the baby book or graded at school. It’s the hard stuff we wrestle through together each day to show them what it means to be a healthy, responsible human. Welcome to the tribe, moms and dads. It’s not always pretty, but you’re definitely welcome here.

*If you’re interested in doing some deep soul-diving, check out the work of Brené Brown, particularly her newest book “Braving the Wilderness,” which explores identifying your true self and the things that are roadblocks on this journey.

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4 Ways to Improve Your Child’s (Sucky) Sense of Time

Kyle Robbins — Tue, 09 Oct 2018 16:11:40 +0000

“Why aren’t you finished yet?”

“Are you seriously just sitting on your bed right now? Do you know how much needs to get done?”

“We’re already late”

“No you can’t keep playing video games”

“Just start already!”

Sound familiar?

Students who struggle in school often have a terrible sense of time. This is due to a variety of reasons, the most common of which is a deficiency in the prefrontal cortex of the brain, where our executive functions are managed. This is broader than simple time management; it is a lack of basic understanding of time in general.

Poor sense of time is one of the most common complaints I get from the parents of students at Growing Minds in Reading, PA.

So, here we go. You know your child’s sense of time sucks if:

He doesn’t seem to know the difference between 10 minutes and an hour
He freaks out over a homework assignment and throws a fit longer than it will actually take him to complete the assignment. Meltdown for 45 minutes, do the math page for 10 minutes
He gets lost in doing something fun like playing Legos or video games, and then freaks out at you when you try to move him on to his next task.
He cannot ever seem to get ready for school on time
He feels easily overwhelmed with the time requirement from after school activities, including sports, church, and homework
He often complains that he doesn’t have enough time to himself

First, please note that this is not your child’s fault. She doesn’t WANT to freak out about time, and she’s doing her best to understand it! Her brain is simply not processing time properly – and this is something that you can definitely help her with!

Second, understand this: “Time is fictional unless you can see it.” Author Jon Acuff said this on a podcast I listened to recently and I couldn’t agree more!

Time is completely illusive unless you can SEE it. It doesn’t exist unless it can be measured. Quantified. Clarified. This means that we should map out our time very clearly for our kiddos who struggle to understand it.

Make a schedule that includes time duration. If possible, use space on the calendar to show the relative time differences in events. Show your child that he has plenty of time for homework or plenty of time for relaxing OR needs to get his butt in gear because he’s going to be late for soccer if he doesn’t get moving.

At Growing Minds, we have our students bring in planners that we help them fill in their evening schedule so that they know what needs to be accomplished for the day or the week. We ask them what they think their obstacles will be and we try to solve those problems before they even arise. You can easily do this with your kiddo, too.

Third, use timers. Get a digital timer so that your child can watch time pass. Literally. Make time as concrete as possible. Let the timer be the boss of your child… when the timer beeps, it’s time to move on to the next task. It’s not your fault that video game time is over, it’s time’s fault.

Fourth, enforce real-life consequences. This one is HARD. Listen, mama, I get it. I have 3 kids I’m trying to manage and I work with struggling students every day in my role at Growing Minds. I know how hard it is to enforce consequences – it’s a huge effort, takes so much energy, and it can disrupt the day and make what little time we get to spend with our kids very difficult.

BUT if we don’t enforce small real-life consequences at home, we force our kids to learn the hard way when they show up to work late repeatedly as an adult, or miss a class as a college student, or don’t get their work done on a project, or lose a friend because they are not reliable.

Here’s an example of a simple, real-life consequence I enforce in my own home: My kids have to leave for school at 8:30. If they are not ready by 8:20 (absolutely everything done), they lose the treat in their lunchbox for that day. For a 3^rd grader and a 5^th grader, the lunch treat is very important! You better believe they work hard to be ready by 8:20 so they can keep that coveted treat!

This may seem like a silly thing to enforce, but I believe with all my heart that it matters in the long run. If we enforce consequences now, our kids will learn these skills as kids or teens and won’t have to learn them the hard way later in life! Let’s be real: the consequences we face as adults are much more severe.

Sense of time is a very important skill for every successful human. If your child hasn’t naturally developed this skill, it’s time to help them. Use the four methods above (compassion, schedule, timers, consequences) to set them on the road to independence.

Good luck, mama. You’re doing a great job at this parenting thing.

Join our mailing list for encouragement and helpful resources for your struggling student. Click here to join.

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Independence Doesn’t Mean Distance

Kyle Robbins — Mon, 01 Oct 2018 14:28:45 +0000

I have a parent confession: sometimes I forget that my child is a real person.

I think after giving her life, spending a year anticipating and meeting her needs with minimal direction from her, and being her interpreter through the span of language development, I sometimes know her better than she knows herself.

So it occasionally takes me by surprise when she has an observation or opinion that is so clearly her own and completely unique to her worldview. I always feel a little silly when I remember, “Oh yeah, you’re a person.”

As our children grow, there are a million reminders that they are their own beings, completely separate from us (i.e. they entire season of puberty and the inspiration for Will Smith’s early debut “Parents Just Don’t Understand.”) This transition from entirely dependent to entirely independent is healthy, normal, and necessary, but sometimes really difficult to reconcile with years of experience as parents basically being able to read our children’s minds to give them what they need and prevent them from their many attempts to self-destruct (i.e. the toddler years.)

It’s so important to find the balance on that razor-thin wire of “I know what’s best for you” and “You know yourself best.” It’s important to always have curiosity about how our children view themselves and their worlds, and to keep the invitation open for them to show us a peek into their perspective. Independence does not have to mean relational distance.

Often when our children push for the most distance, they need us to draw them even closer. The question becomes how we maintain closeness even as we foster their independence? It’s important to find ways to keep conversations open-ended so that our children know we value their unique perspectives and experiences but are also interested and available to help them problem-solve, if needed.

If you’re struggling to find ways to connect with your child while still encouraging independence, try some of these strategies:

Identify the best times to connect with your child (i.e. at breakfast, in the car on the drive home from school, right before bedtime). Try to establish a routine for opening up a conversation with them during their “best” times.
Find phrases that feel the most comfortable for you to use to check in with your child. “Tell me a story about your day as if it were a movie, “ or “Tell me about a moment in your day that felt as good as a high five” are two great places to start an open-ended conversation.
Dream with your child with phrases like, “If you could wave a magic wand and have anything you want to have or be anything you want to be, what would that be like?”
Practice using “Can you tell me more about that…” and “ I wonder…” statements.
Allow yourself to be silly and know that your child might find this process weird at first. Expect to hear “Why are you being so weird, mom?!” and “You never talk to me this way!” Keep trying. It takes many attempts to build a new skill, so give yourself and your child grace and just keep going!

As we build a connection with our children and start to see them and their world through their lens, we can truly understand how to speak life into them and help them with their struggles. We can meet them exactly where they are and join arms to move forward together. We can develop the foundation that we as the adults are always in charge, but that we respect them enough to recognize that they are real people too (even if we sometimes still have to remind ourselves!)

The fact that you’re reading this tells me you care deeply about your children – I hope these tips help you connect with them on a very real level.

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